Understanding the Dichotomy: Embracing the Good and Bad in Life

“Our capacity to destroy one another is matched by our capacity to heal one another” -Bessel Van Der Kolk (The Body Keeps Score)

We want to see the light, the good, the positives. We do not like to face the dark underbelly. But without the dichotomy we cannot move forward. How can you overcome, gain understanding, and experience all the life entails without acknowledging the very things we are trained to push aside, to sweep under the rug, or ignore? There are times when life is unfair, unjust, and can wear each of us down till we question our own abilities, but our reactions to these instances impact our growth more than we might give it credit.

How can you tell what is good without bad, how can you tell happiness without sadness, and how do know joy if you have never experienced despair. We live in a world of dichotomies. The problem is that society has trained us to only focus on one side of the dichotomy. When you pass someone on the street and ask, “how are you?” You do not look for a true response of what is happening in their life and the struggles they might be experiencing. It is hard to sit with others negative emotions, instead we suppress what might be happening in our lives and respond with “good.” But imagine a world where when someone asked you that very question you felt there was space to truly express what is happening with something like “it’s been a rough morning and I am trying to push through it.” Imagine a world where we made space for people to have the negative emotions along with the positive. Instead of shying away from the uncomfortable we learned to sit with others through their uncomfortable moments. What does a world like that look like?

I venture to imagine this world as a place that feels distinctly less isolating. A world where we recognize that the human condition holds both positive and negative and that we are all human with varying experiences and reactions. It would be a place where the individuals that are having a difficult moment in life do not feel the need for filters, niceties, or avoidance but instead feel there is a place to be within society without the smile without the filtered joy. Individuals would learn how to sit with someone’s pain, unhappiness, and be able to share that burden. A world where each of us can shoulder the burden for those that are too worn down to take the burden on by themselves.

A statement I hear often in this field from onlookers is “it must be hard work,” or “I could not do what you do.” To which I respond that can be difficult, each day has its own struggles, but the hardest part about being a therapist that is hard to train for is the ability to sit with others in their darkest moments, to relive trauma with them, or allow them a space to cry without wanting to squirm away or slither under a blanket and wait for the uncomfortable moment to pass.

Stepping back and reflecting I asked myself why is this so uncomfortable, why is crying a trigger to run, why is hearing about someone’s trauma making me want to hide? Well simply put we are not socialized to share in these moments in fact we are socialized in direct opposition to this. We are taught to cry in a locked bathroom, to wipe away our tears, to cover bruises, to overcome and persevere. So, seeing anyone doing anything but those things make us scramble because we do not know how to respond, we freeze, we make light of the situation, or try to placate a situation so that it will just disappear. But what we need to do is allow for that negative space to exist. There is no need to say anything or do anything just be, just be in that moment with that person at that time.

Make the room for the good and for the bad because if you can embrace the dichotomy that we live you are going to be embracing the fullness of what the human condition is, you are developing deeper connection with the world around you. You will help to move towards a world where there is space for us to embrace the dichotomy and building a place where we can help shoulder each other’s burdens.